Thursday, September 19, 2013

Forks in the road....

Everyone at some point in their lives comes to a fork in the road, some get multiple forks. The direction we choose lays out the path towards our future. As human beings we were given the option to choose right from wrong. So why is it that when given the choice, we choose the more rugged path?

I don't claim to be a perfect person, lord knows I have skeletons! Why is it though...that when given a good thing, I tend to push it away? I hide my feelings, my secrets, and yes sometimes I lie.  I keep an arms length to the people who really care about me. I become a "fake" person in times of intimacy.  Its like I am scared to have a real relationship...instead I choose to not get close and be alone. Later, when alone, I feel sorry for myself.

I have a wonderful life. Everything Ive ever wanted. A fullfilling and rewarding job, 2 great kids, a husband who is my best friend, a beautiful home, and a few good friends. Its taken alot of heartache and work to get here. So why do I feel like I do?

I find myself at a crossroads. If I take the road to the right, there lies happiness, fullfillment, companionship, and intimacy. The road to the left is bare, dark, unknowing, and neverending. So why do I find myself hesitating and looking to the left?

Why do I long for the unknowing future, when I have everything I could want? Why does the grass always seem greener on the other side to me? Am I conflicted or just selfish? 

Monday, February 7, 2011

What justifies a "true friend"?

Recently I had a devastating event happen in my life...

I met my best friend when we were 5 years old.  She lived just a few houses away when my family moved to a new neighborhood.  We instantly bonded because our lives were so similar.  Our friendship grew stronger every day and even when my family kept moving (in the same city) we still talked and got together every chance we could.  Our first "separation" happened in the 8th grade.  She left our Junior High and attended another school for kids who had trouble in school.  She began to hang out with the wrong girls and got involved in drugs.  We lost touch for a few years.  Once she ended her friendships with that crowd we started talking again and our friendship seemed to pick up where it left off.  I felt like I had my "sister" back again.  We continued talking even after I got married at 20 and moved to California.  My husband hated her and forbade me to talk to her.  He said she was a bad influence on our kids.  But I thought what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him and I talked to her every chance I got.  I forgave her for her past and she forgave me for marrying such a jerk.

After 9 years of marriage I left and she and I started hanging out ALL the time.  Our kids played together and for the first time in our lives nothing stood in the way of our friendship.  She helped me out with babysitting when I needed it and I helped her when she needed it.  She ended up getting separated from her husband and I tried to be there for her as much as I could.  At that time I was in nursing school full time and working part time.  I was also dating and had a very busy life.  We would always call each other when we were having problems with our ex's and the "divorce drama".  I could always count on her when I needed to vent.

I eventually got remarried and she got along great with my new husband.  I made it clear to him that she was my best friend and he just had to deal with it because she would always be in my life.  Everything was going great!

Then one day about 5 months ago she stopped talking to me.  I tried calling and she said she was mad at me and didn't want anything to do with me.  At that time we hadn't talked in awhile.  I had been busy working full time, building a new home with my husband and taking my kids to sporting events in my spare time.  The first time she got mad I bought her flowers and delivered them to her in person, even though I had no idea what I did.  I thought that my friendship meant too much to me to let it just end and I would apologize even though I didn't think I did anything.  When we talked, she brought up things that had happened 10 years prior that she said I had lied about.  For instance, when I chose to bottle feed my children because I didn't want to breast feed.  I had told her it was because I had gotten mastitis and couldn't continue.  I knew she wouldn't approve and I just didn't want to deal with the lecture.  That was one thing she was holding over my head!  When she told me that was what she was mad about...I couldn't believe it, but I apologized anyways.

A month or so went by and suddenly it happened again.  This time though she just ended the friendship and to this day I still don't know what I did.  For the last 5 months I've felt lost and my heart has been torn out.  After 27 years of friendship she just ended it with no explanation!  I could understand if I had done something like gotten her fired or slept with her spouse, but to end it for no reason leaves me dumbfounded!  Ive tried to reach out, but all I get is "I have nothing to say to you".  So my question is this:  What justifies a "true friend"?  What I thought a true friend/best friend was has turned out to be wrong. What is friendship if you can't forgive and forget?! What is friendship if you can't be open and honest and forthcoming?  What is a true friend?

Saturday, January 29, 2011

What about the victim??

Recently in my area we had a news story about a local firefighter who was being accused of child molestation.  According to the news this man was high on "spice" and molested a 9 year old girl who was a close friend of his.  The little girl told her mother about the incident and the molestation was also confirmed by another child who was there and witnessed it.  This "local hero" was arrested on charges and booked into the local jail.  While in jail the perpetrator attempted suicide by hanging himself with bedsheets and was listed in critical condition at a local hospital.  A week after he attempted suicide he was taken off a ventilator and pronounced dead.  Apparently the friends, family and local fire department had a candlelight vigil bedside for this accused molester.  New reports have focused on him, his family and the local fire department.  After his death, friends and family wrote beautiful messages of love for this man.

My frustration is this:  What about the little girl he is accused of molesting?  I know she is a minor and her identity is being protected but why isn't there a "bank account" set up for her well being just like there is one set up for the family of this perpetrator?  If this ha nous act was committed then how is she suppose to go on with her life knowing that the community is forgiving and supporting the accused molester?  What about her parents?  I had one gentleman on facebook tell me that "She isn't a victim until he is proven guilty".  What is wrong with people??!!!  How can you say she isn't a victim?  My response to that gentleman was to look the little girl and her parents in the eyes and say that to them.  I am absolutely disgusted in my community right now.  I am almost ashamed to say I live in the city that I do, knowing that people are supporting him and his family and there is no mention of the true victim!

My last question is this:  What if it was your daughter?

Sunday, January 23, 2011

What's in a blog??

So what's in a blog?  Is it a daily post about myself?  Is it diary or journal of my feelings?  Is it an opportunity to express my feelings to complete strangers?  I've always been curious about blogs but have never considered until now to try one of my own.  Honestly, Ive never even read or followed a blog.  One could call me a "blog virgin".  In any case, Ive decided to give this a try and see where it takes me or if it changes who I am or what I believe in.

Since today is my first blog, I am not putting too much pressure on myself to write something that can change the world.  I'm simply free writing my feelings about blogging.  In all honesty, I don't have the first clue as to what to write about.  Maybe I'm just writing down my thoughts right now, hoping that something will pop into my head.  At the same time...who will read this?  Is anyone interested in what a 33year old mother of 2 has to say?  I'm an ordinary girl from an ordinary family with an ordinary life.

Maybe I'm just looking for inspiration.  Something to Inspire me.