Monday, February 7, 2011

What justifies a "true friend"?

Recently I had a devastating event happen in my life...

I met my best friend when we were 5 years old.  She lived just a few houses away when my family moved to a new neighborhood.  We instantly bonded because our lives were so similar.  Our friendship grew stronger every day and even when my family kept moving (in the same city) we still talked and got together every chance we could.  Our first "separation" happened in the 8th grade.  She left our Junior High and attended another school for kids who had trouble in school.  She began to hang out with the wrong girls and got involved in drugs.  We lost touch for a few years.  Once she ended her friendships with that crowd we started talking again and our friendship seemed to pick up where it left off.  I felt like I had my "sister" back again.  We continued talking even after I got married at 20 and moved to California.  My husband hated her and forbade me to talk to her.  He said she was a bad influence on our kids.  But I thought what he didn't know wouldn't hurt him and I talked to her every chance I got.  I forgave her for her past and she forgave me for marrying such a jerk.

After 9 years of marriage I left and she and I started hanging out ALL the time.  Our kids played together and for the first time in our lives nothing stood in the way of our friendship.  She helped me out with babysitting when I needed it and I helped her when she needed it.  She ended up getting separated from her husband and I tried to be there for her as much as I could.  At that time I was in nursing school full time and working part time.  I was also dating and had a very busy life.  We would always call each other when we were having problems with our ex's and the "divorce drama".  I could always count on her when I needed to vent.

I eventually got remarried and she got along great with my new husband.  I made it clear to him that she was my best friend and he just had to deal with it because she would always be in my life.  Everything was going great!

Then one day about 5 months ago she stopped talking to me.  I tried calling and she said she was mad at me and didn't want anything to do with me.  At that time we hadn't talked in awhile.  I had been busy working full time, building a new home with my husband and taking my kids to sporting events in my spare time.  The first time she got mad I bought her flowers and delivered them to her in person, even though I had no idea what I did.  I thought that my friendship meant too much to me to let it just end and I would apologize even though I didn't think I did anything.  When we talked, she brought up things that had happened 10 years prior that she said I had lied about.  For instance, when I chose to bottle feed my children because I didn't want to breast feed.  I had told her it was because I had gotten mastitis and couldn't continue.  I knew she wouldn't approve and I just didn't want to deal with the lecture.  That was one thing she was holding over my head!  When she told me that was what she was mad about...I couldn't believe it, but I apologized anyways.

A month or so went by and suddenly it happened again.  This time though she just ended the friendship and to this day I still don't know what I did.  For the last 5 months I've felt lost and my heart has been torn out.  After 27 years of friendship she just ended it with no explanation!  I could understand if I had done something like gotten her fired or slept with her spouse, but to end it for no reason leaves me dumbfounded!  Ive tried to reach out, but all I get is "I have nothing to say to you".  So my question is this:  What justifies a "true friend"?  What I thought a true friend/best friend was has turned out to be wrong. What is friendship if you can't forgive and forget?! What is friendship if you can't be open and honest and forthcoming?  What is a true friend?